Losing things cant compare to people losing faith in you. Do they think I stopped trying? Do they think – I think my situation is cool?
Don’t they know I have been trying to improve for the past 10+ years, haven’t watched sports, played video games, partied, smoked a blunt, or had a night filled with passion in years? Why? I want 100% of my energy aligned with my purpose. Sounds crazy right? It is my reality.
I can’t expect anyone to understand. But being mindful – costs you nothing.
Do they know this current situation is completely incomprehensible to me? Do they know how hard it is for me to have faith? Do they know what it feels like to question why life was so much easier when I woke up – smoked.. went to work.. partied.. got twisted.. treated people badly and never tried to evolve?
Do they know what it feels like to become a better man and lose everything?
Do they understand what it feels like to finally love yourself – at the cost of losing family, friends, and decades of material items?
Do they understand what it’s like to be a selfish boyfriend who grew into a selfless husband – only to have that taken away?
While they are asking themselves what to wear, eat or post.. I have to make a conscious decision to live through the day.
Maybe they forgot I damn near died of depression living in a penthouse – because the people closest to me never wanted to leave the hood? Life on any level is worthless – if you don’t have genuine personal connections.
I’ve had multiple ego deaths… So now it’s me. The person who justifies his existence – through the value he can provide to others daily.
No value = no justification.
Maybe I took the ‘greatness’ thing too far? Maybe I’m too hard on myself? Maybe my dream is too big?? Never. You can question my situation.. I question my situation.. but no one.. will ever say – homie stopped evolving. He stopped becoming a better person. He stopped wanting to help others become better.
Why? Do you know how many people I lost? Did we lose? How many of us wanted to be more? be more? have more? but ended up dead or in jail? Who’s going to break away and create for the rest of us? Somebody gotta sacrifice.
I told you years ago – if it was up to me – I’d be hustling and standing on couches forever.. but God wasn’t trying to hear it..
Thus far everything I’ve tried to return to my life to a sense of normalcy – has failed. Probably because – my normal.. wasn’t normal.
Historically speaking – multiple failures mean our targets are misguided and our trajectory requires some readjustment.
There’s a spiritual plane during human evolution where a person is stripped of everything, forced to face his demons, and ultimately master himself. I believe that’s where I’m at now.
So when you see me getting weak – it’s because at that moment – I am not in a good place… so I send an SOS out into the universe… its either that or option B. Learn to recognize the signs of someone calling out for help.
Win, lose, or draw.. we will all learn from this experience.
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